Monday, December 31, 2012

For so many years I have turned into a person that I thought I should be, what I thought people thought I should be.  Its not that I was unhappy with that person but I wasnt being true to me.  I  thought I am mom, a Marine wife, a wife in general, its time to put my old scene queen ways behind me.   I started taking my life and my image too seriously.  Yes my life is much more complicated than it was back when I would listen to Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco, Something Corporate, Jimmy Eat World, blaring in my 1996 Chevy Cavalier.  Yes I have bills, obligations, diapers to change and bo boos to kiss.  But I have been denying my inner creative.  My desire to be different.  I still make art, I create things every day and I share that love with my children.  But I haven't shared that part of me with me.  The girl who loves crazy hair, dancing like no one is watching, skate shoes, and singing at the top of her lungs.  As much I pretended that I had grown into a confident woman, the truth was that I just conformed into a person who looked confident and was just a person who looked like she had her shit straight, who deep down wanted to rock her snake bites and gauges.  Show off every tattoo and not give a shit if someone cared or if they liked it because it didnt matter what anyone thought because I liked me. 
         When I met Tim I had been accepting the love that I thought I deserved, but he made me realize that I deserved so much more and he gave me that and so much more.  That girl he gave that love to, I am going to get her back!   I am going to show my children that they dont have to look like everyone else and be like everyone else.  You dont have to conform to be happy.  '
        There is so much happiness radiating out of me right now, to the point of tears and I feel like I have to share this, to write it down so that I dont loose it. 
        I have felt this coming on for a while now but kept trying to push it aside.  I am not a cardigan wearing mamma, I dont know how I thought I could be that.  You can have tattoos and piercings and listen to loud music, and sing and draw and paint and be a good mom.  How I look only dictates how I feel about me not who I am as a mother.  I dont know why I ever thought that did. 

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