former 4H'er and Emo Sceene Teen.

It is like you go through life in stages, each one has great memories, and heartbreaking tragedies.  There are people who bridge those stages, weather the storm so to say, and others who seem to be those stages entirely.  I have done a lot of reflection lately about my life, my growth, the lessons I have learned, the people I have loved, and do love and the people I have lost both figuratively and actually.  I look back to where I was 5, 10 years ago, to the life I lived, the ideas I had and the company I kept.  I ask myself, where do I fit in with that now.  Friends we swore to be with forever forget to return text (the most antisocial form of communication) let alone return a call.  People you have known your whole life seem to be mere strangers or a distant memory.  Dreams you once had, aspirations, goals, not all but many have lost meaning, and in my case taken a back burner for the greater good of my family.  If you were to have told me 5 years ago I would be where I am now, I would have laughed in your face.  I have few regrets in my life...I wish I wouldn't have missed my grandfathers last birthday breakfast, put more money in savings, been a better friend, not dated that idiot, things like that.  Looking back on decisions I made, I sometimes think how foolish, you know the cliche "if I knew then what I know now"  and think; I will help my children make better decisions and choices.  But will I really, am I naive enough to think that my parents didn't try to guide me, let me learn from their mistakes.  It is that youthful mentality that idea that I know all and what my parents have experienced is irrelevant.   I like to think that I will help my children become a strong confidant people.  I will encourage them, let them know their great worth not only to me but the world and to themselves.   I am not 6 years old and they are not my barbies that do what I please. As I watch my 2 1/2 yr old I see her mocking my actions, my speech patterns, and my flaws.  I am reminded of how impressionable that little mind is. I want to be a role model to my children.  As a parent sometimes you have to take time to say "would I want my kids to do this?"  First we were and will forever be someones child.  So with that I am going to take some time to work on me (with what spare time I have hahah) because by improving myself, I am bettering my family, my children and their future.  We live, we learn, we grow, sometimes it hurts, sometimes people let you down, but then again there will always be someone there to lift you back up too.   I started out this blog feeling sorry for myself, sad that I had figuratively lost some of the people I though had once known me best, but now I just feel optimistic because I know me better.