For so many years I have turned into a person that I thought I should be, what I thought people thought I should be.  Its not that I was unhappy with that person but I wasnt being true to me.  I  thought I am mom, a Marine wife, a wife in general, its time to put my old scene queen ways behind me.   I started taking my life and my image too seriously.  Yes my life is much more complicated than it was back when I would listen to Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco, Something Corporate, Jimmy Eat World, blaring in my 1996 Chevy Cavalier.  Yes I have bills, obligations, diapers to change and bo boos to kiss.  But I have been denying my inner creative.  My desire to be different.  I still make art, I create things every day and I share that love with my children.  But I haven't shared that part of me with me.  The girl who loves crazy hair, dancing like no one is watching, skate shoes, and singing at the top of her lungs.  As much I pretended that I had grown into a confident woman, the truth was that I just conformed into a person who looked confident and was just a person who looked like she had her shit straight, who deep down wanted to rock her snake bites and gauges.  Show off every tattoo and not give a shit if someone cared or if they liked it because it didnt matter what anyone thought because I liked me. 
         When I met Tim I had been accepting the love that I thought I deserved, but he made me realize that I deserved so much more and he gave me that and so much more.  That girl he gave that love to, I am going to get her back!   I am going to show my children that they dont have to look like everyone else and be like everyone else.  You dont have to conform to be happy.  '
        There is so much happiness radiating out of me right now, to the point of tears and I feel like I have to share this, to write it down so that I dont loose it. 
        I have felt this coming on for a while now but kept trying to push it aside.  I am not a cardigan wearing mamma, I dont know how I thought I could be that.  You can have tattoos and piercings and listen to loud music, and sing and draw and paint and be a good mom.  How I look only dictates how I feel about me not who I am as a mother.  I dont know why I ever thought that did. 

former 4H'er and Emo Sceene Teen.

It is like you go through life in stages, each one has great memories, and heartbreaking tragedies.  There are people who bridge those stages, weather the storm so to say, and others who seem to be those stages entirely.  I have done a lot of reflection lately about my life, my growth, the lessons I have learned, the people I have loved, and do love and the people I have lost both figuratively and actually.  I look back to where I was 5, 10 years ago, to the life I lived, the ideas I had and the company I kept.  I ask myself, where do I fit in with that now.  Friends we swore to be with forever forget to return text (the most antisocial form of communication) let alone return a call.  People you have known your whole life seem to be mere strangers or a distant memory.  Dreams you once had, aspirations, goals, not all but many have lost meaning, and in my case taken a back burner for the greater good of my family.  If you were to have told me 5 years ago I would be where I am now, I would have laughed in your face.  I have few regrets in my life...I wish I wouldn't have missed my grandfathers last birthday breakfast, put more money in savings, been a better friend, not dated that idiot, things like that.  Looking back on decisions I made, I sometimes think how foolish, you know the cliche "if I knew then what I know now"  and think; I will help my children make better decisions and choices.  But will I really, am I naive enough to think that my parents didn't try to guide me, let me learn from their mistakes.  It is that youthful mentality that idea that I know all and what my parents have experienced is irrelevant.   I like to think that I will help my children become a strong confidant people.  I will encourage them, let them know their great worth not only to me but the world and to themselves.   I am not 6 years old and they are not my barbies that do what I please. As I watch my 2 1/2 yr old I see her mocking my actions, my speech patterns, and my flaws.  I am reminded of how impressionable that little mind is. I want to be a role model to my children.  As a parent sometimes you have to take time to say "would I want my kids to do this?"  First we were and will forever be someones child.  So with that I am going to take some time to work on me (with what spare time I have hahah) because by improving myself, I am bettering my family, my children and their future.  We live, we learn, we grow, sometimes it hurts, sometimes people let you down, but then again there will always be someone there to lift you back up too.   I started out this blog feeling sorry for myself, sad that I had figuratively lost some of the people I though had once known me best, but now I just feel optimistic because I know me better.

2 a T Tot Shoppe

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Pizza Popper Pull Aparts

Pizza Balls
(modified from a recipe that I got off of weelicious)

1 16 oz Pkg White or Whole Wheat Pizza Dough
1 package of turkey pepperoni (coarsely chop)
1 1/2 Cup Mozzarella Cheese, shredded
Olive Oil
Garlic Powder
Tomato Sauce and or Ranch for dipping
Preheat oven to 425°F.
1 Divide thawed dough into 16 even pieces
2. In a separate container mix cheese and pepperoni
3. Take the piece of dough and roll them out until they are about 3 inches in diameter. Then spoon on the cheese and pepperoni. Fold the dough in half like a mini calzone and pinch off the edges making sure that it is sealed, then gently roll to make a ball. Save a little bit of the cheese mixture for topping the pizza balls.
4. Coat a 9 inch cake pan with olive oil and season with garlic powder.
5. Place the balls in the cake pan then drizzle (or brush) with olive oil and garlic powder again. Top with any cheese mixture.
6. Bake for 20 minutes or until golden.
There are so many different things you can do with this though. Happy baking :)

When a child is born, so is a parent. When that parent is born, so is their inner child

There is nothing like puddle jumping to bring out your inner child.  Its funny how when you children are small you find yourself doing things that at one point would have been incredibly embarrassing almost mortifying (singing in public bathrooms,  running around in the front yard in some of you least flattering clothing playing in the sprinklers, making random animal noises anywhere and everywhere  ext....) and for some reason it just feels so natural, because it makes them smile, it helps them learn and grow.  I think truly it makes you smile, learn and grow too.  And why not?! act a fool, be silly, get dirty, be loud in a few years everything you do will be embarrassing to them anyhow, gotta live it up now while your crazy is funny and not just that.....crazy.   I mean really, I might as well save my money now, clothes that stay clean and nice are practically non existent for a stay at home mom of a toddler and a newborn and in my case a Marine :) I can be the frumpy, second hand mom of a toddler.  But god forbid I be the disheveled mother (at this point I will be her MOTHER...say it in your head with some sass) of a tween...I mean her world would just end right :)  I dont look forward to those days, and pray that I raise her to know that its not the clothes you wear, the car you drive or the money in your pocket that makes you the person your are.  However I can not dictate societies influence, even though I would like to, as my dad would say "head for the hills" with my kids and keep them innocent and pure. I have kind of gotten off point though.  Being a parent, it means learning from your parents, and being a child again yourself.  Getting to do all the things that you wanted to do a kid with your own and doing all the things that you loved to do with your parents as parents.  I have grown a whole new prospective on life, of myself, on parenting and every day it is changing.  I talk to my mother and my grandma just about every day, even if it is just for a few minutes it feels good to just touch base.  When we talk I feel just a little less adult, its nothing that they say or do, nothing demeaning about the conversation just something inside me that understands that no matter how many bills I pay, children I have or miles away I live, I will still be their little girl.  I like that feeling, that knowing that in someones eyes I still hold that innocence that I strive to keep in my own children.  Even more so I like being that dirt ridden little girl in her best patten leather shoes digging in the mud, making mud pies and building lean to's in the woods.   I see it in my husband too. The child that resides in him...words cant even express how it make me feel. I wish we would have been childhood friends, because if he was anything like the kid he acts like, he would have been one heck of a play date!

So here is to making it count.

Strawberry Lemonade Cupcakes

 Modified version of Cupcakes found on Cheeky and Trig's Blog

1 Package of Strawberry Cake Mix (I used Pillsbury)
3 eggs
2/3 cup water
1/3 cup plus 1/4 cup frozen pink lemonade, thawed, divided
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
red food coloring to your liking
5 cups sifted powdered sugar
1/3 cup butter, softened



preheat to 350
Beat cake mix, eggs , water 1/3 cup concentrate
Bake 16 to 20 minutes of until toothpick comes out clean.
Cool for five minutes, remove and let finish cooling.
For Icing
Beat 4c powdered sugar, butter and remaining 1/4 cup concentrate in medium bowl with electric mixer at medium speed. Beat in food coloring to your liking. Add the remaining 1 C of powdered sugar until you reach the consistency that you desire for you icing. 
Spread frosting over cupcakes.
Garnish with candies, straws, sprinkles, just get your creative on :)

Well I guess I am going to start this blogging thing :)  I love the idea and have been toying around with it for awhile.  But what to blog about? My kids, my crafts,my baking, my hubby, I guess it will be life in general.  This should be fun!